Thank You for Your Comments

Comments From Readers On This Weeks Subject of Expressing and Showing Love

“The biggest mistake I feel my parents made was not showing or expressing their love with hugs, kisses. I feel like this held me back a lot.”

“I always knew that my mother would have kind words to say, a comforting hug and a shoulder to cry on. Now that I think about it, the only way we were able to deal with some of our struggles is her being there for us. I think it helped her also.”

“My mother kissed my father every single night when he returned home from work. That example has taught me a lot of how to have a better marriage and a stronger family.”

“My parents were very affectionate toward each other (even in front of us children) and that always made me feel very secure and I have always been an affectionate person, I believe because of that.”

“One thing that my parents did right was to show us love. Hugs were normal around our home.”

“My mother was very affectionate and nurturing with us as children. She told me daily that she loved me, and I always felt like she really meant it. That love got me through all of the hard times.”

“Neither my husband or I grew up in homes where we were told we were loved or where physical affection was shown. When we married we decided we would break that tradition with our own family. Now all of our children are married with children of their own. Each time we are together we tell them we love them and they tell us the same when we part. We never talk to any of our children without expressing love for them at the end of the conversation.”

“My parents stopped giving regular hugs and displays of affection except on special occasions or in crisis. Because of this I see us, there children, responding the same way towards them.”

“Very seldom did my parents show affection towards one another. There was always a cold, distant feeling between the two of them and there still is. I don’t thing they realize the impact this has had on our family.”

“My father stopped being a “daddy” to his daughters as soon as we became adolescents. There were no more hugs or kisses, no more quiet talks, only schoolwork, housework or yard work issues were discussed.”

“My parents did not take the time to hug us and tell us they were proud of us if we did something good. This hurt all of us.”

“My father was a bit reserved in his relationships with his four daughters. My dad says now he wishes he had hugged and held us more. Too many fathers keep at a distance from their children for fear of accusations of abuse or because it is not ‘manly’ to show affection. Children need lots of APPROPRIATE physical love from both parents.”

“One thing that did not occur often in my family was telling one another ‘I love you.’ I don’t remember ever saying it on my own will and really meaning it until my first phone call during my freshman year at college. I told them ‘I love you’ over the phone for the first time.”

“I never went to bed without telling my parents that I loved them. They never let me go out of the house without telling me that they loved me. I think if I’m doing anything good with my own family now it is that. They know that I love them no matter what because I show them every day.”

“The words ‘I love you’ were never spoken in our home. We did go on nightly walks together as a family, and in holding hands and the 3 hand squeezes which meant ‘I love you.’ I’m not sure why we couldn’t have done both. How much time does it take to say the words along with the actions.”

“I never once in my entire life heard my dad say the words ‘I love you’ to any member of my family including my mother. He has passed on now but in 80 years he couldn’t seem to get those words out. I’m sure the reason is that he never heard it from his parents. Why can’t we stop passing on these hurtful traditions over the generations?”

“After my marriage my husband taught me to express my love vocally. My sister was shocked to hear me tell our mom that I loved her. She said that she wasn’t used to hearing anyone in our family saying those words. What a shame.”

“I had to get my parents attention in other ways since I didn’t hear them say I love you. I always tried to do really good in school to please them and get their attention. It was the only way I could really relate to them.

“The mistake I felt my parents made was that they were not demonstrative as far as their love for us was concerned. I think it was part of their generation, but they never said, ‘I love you’ or ‘you are important’ or ‘you are special.’ I grew up not knowing that I was loved. Now as an adult I can look back and see that I was loved, but it would have helped my feelings of worth and value if I had been told that.”

“When we got to be teenagers my parents stopped saying I love you except on special occasions or in a crisis.”

“Growing up I never once heard my parents say that they loved me. Never once did my father hug me or say he was proud of me. My mother would give me a distant hug when I was leaving for college etc. I think that this is one reason I gave in to peer pressure so much. I never really wanted to use drugs, drink or be sexually active before marriage but did so many times. Why? I don’t really now for sure but looking back I think like the song says, I was, ‘looking for love in all the wrong places.’ I have suffered greatly because of those mistakes. Somehow I think I would not have gone seeking love if only my parents would have showed it in the home.”

“One of the great regrets of my life has been not telling my mother that I loved her on the morning she left for the hospital. I had no idea that she would be dead within 8 hours from the time she left. I don’t plan to make that mistake again with those whom I love.”

“If I could send a message to every parent in the world it would be to: 1. Tell your family members that you love them every single day. 2. Kiss and hug family members every day when they are leaving for the day or coming home. 3. Every time you talk on the phone, email or text a loved one end by expressing love. 4. Show your love through your expressions (smile, wink, nod, sign language etc.). 5. Act excited to see each other when you have been a part for the day.”

D. The Solution and Benefits

D. The Solution and Benefits
The solution to this problem is a very simple one and only involves the three simple words, "I love you." Many benefits come into the homes of families who express love meaningfully.
1. People usually love you back
Many have observed a phenomenon in human behavior called the boomerang principle. It means that what goes out usually comes back. For example, as someone has said, "If you don’t like someone you can bet the feeling is mutual." By the same token the opposite applies. One of the Apostles of Jesus Christ explained why they loved Jesus Chris: "We love him, because he first loved us." It is hard not to love someone who loves us. If we sincerely express our love to others, they will most likely have the same feelings toward us.
Tommy and Melissa
Thomas S. Monson tells a touching experience he had in a nursing home with a widow named Melissa. She had been one of his teachers at church when he was a small boy many years before. He had always loved her. He said:
"I found Melissa in the lunchroom. She stared at her plate of food, teasing it with the fork she held in her aged hand. Not a bite did she eat. As I spoke to her, my words were met with a benign but blank stare. I took the fork in hand and began to feed Melissa, talking all the time I did so about her service to boys and girls as a Primary worker. There wasn’t so much as a glimmer of recognition, far less a spoken word. Two other residents of the nursing home gazed at me with puzzled expressions. At last they spoke, saying: "She doesn’t know anyone, even her own family. She hasn’t said a word in all the years she’s been here."
Lunch ended. My one-sided conversation wound down. I stood to leave. I held her frail hand in mine, gazed into her wrinkled but beautiful countenance, and said: "God bless you, Melissa. Merry Christmas." Without warning, she spoke the words: "I know you. You’re Tommy Monson, my Primary boy. How I love you." She pressed my hand to her lips and bestowed on it the kiss of love. Tears coursed down her cheeks and bathed our clasped hands. Those hands, that day, were hallowed by heaven and graced by God. The herald angels did sing. Outside the sky was blue—azure blue. The air was cool—crispy cool. The snow was white—crystal white. The words of the Master seemed to have a personal meaning never before fully felt: "Woman, behold thy son!" And to his disciple, "Behold thy mother!" (John 19:26–27). (Ensign, Oct. 1996, 7.)
Do you think Thomas loved Melissa even more after that visit? A valuable lesson can be learned by all of us through this experience. The boomerang principle says if you express love, that love will come back to you.

2. Saying the words "I love you" can bring tender feelings that bond people together
Scott Shappel
In a church meeting one Sunday a father was talking in front of the congregation about his family and how much they meant to him. At one point he said, "I just want to tell my family how much I love them." Immediately after he said those words, his little three-year-old girl, who was sitting with her mother in the back of the church, stood up in her chair, put her hands up to her mouth and yelled loudly, "I love you too Dad." A very special feeling instantly entered the chapel. Almost everyone in the room got teary eyed after her outburst. Those three simple words expressed sincerely can have quite an effect on those who hear them.
Melinda Bosch Experience
When we moved back to Texas, one of my teenaged daughters became good friends with Melinda. Her parents had recently divorced and she lived with her father. We enjoyed Melinda’s frequent visits. One day I was sitting at our kitchen table talking to her and said, "Melinda, out of all Natalie’s friends I like you the best." She said, "I bet you say that to all her friends." I said, "Actually, you are the first one I have ever said that to." She made no reply and when I looked at her I saw that her lip was quivering and her eyes were filled with tears. Suddenly, I had the same feeling come over me and I got very emotional. Even though I didn’t actually say the words "I love you," what I did say meant the same thing and we both knew it. Do you think that Melinda and I were even closer friends after that experience? When feelings of love are expressed, it often bonds people even closer together.
Spencer Loves Stephanie
I was in a meeting a few years ago where Spencer age 17 was asked to speak. A handsome high school football player, he told how fast his life was passing by and said it seemed like yesterday when he was in middle school and now he was about to begin his senior year. It hit him that life flies by and that we had better take advantage of opportunities while we can. Then he said, "Tomorrow, my sister Stephanie is going back to college." As soon as the came from his mouth, Spencer got emotional. Showing emotion is something tough athletes are not supposed to do in our culture. He then turned and looked at his sister and said, "I haven’t told her often how much I love her." She was sitting close to him as he spoke. He was very sincere and everyone in the room knew it. A feeling of love permeated the room. I looked at his sister and saw that she was crying too. There is something about those simple words, when they are uttered with feeling, that has a tremendous impact.
Robert Hess Testimony
I attended a meeting of college students and heard Robert give a brief talk. His cousin Felix was in the audience that day. Felix was following the permissive college lifestyle and struggling to live gospel standards. Without warning and not related to what he was speaking about, Robert looked down from the podium, and with great emotion, said, "I just want to tell Felix that I love him." It was unexpected and seemed almost out of character for this college student to say those words. I looked over at Felix and saw big tears rolling down his cheeks. Felix began to change his lifestyle that day, as he and his cousin became even closer. I thought about a statement I read earlier that seemed to apply: "Love is the only element that can tenderize the human heart."

3. Hearing those words often can bring stability and success to families
We often hear the term dysfunctional family in our society. This means that the family is not functioning properly and that family members are usually struggling. On the other hand, we hear terms like successful or effective families. Of course, this means that family members are having their needs met and are progressing normally. Research studies have been conducted to understand the characteristics these effective families share in common. In a landmark study on successful families, researchers Kunz and Dyer asked the parents in effective families how they expressed love to family members?
Effective Families
Tell them we love them 97%
Do things for them 96%
Hugging 94%
Tell by writing or phoning 91%
Kissing 85%
(Effective Mormon Families, pp. 80-82.)
This research coincides with a statement made by Wills Cather who said: "Where there is great love, there are always miracles." (Readers Digest, April 1996 p.177.)

C. THe Consequences of Not Expresing Love

C. The Consequences of Not Expressing Love
1. Puts family members in danger
There is no question that a lack of expressed love in families is associated with various forms of delinquent behavior. One of great concern is those who seek love and get involved in immoral behavior.
Midwestern state YC
A few years ago I had the opportunity to speak to a group of teenagers at a
youth conference in Alabama. After the final classes, I walked outside to wait for my ride
to the airport. I was excited to see two teenage girls that I had become close to waiting for
their parents to arrive. As I was leaving I gave both of them a brief hug, wishing them well.
When I returned home, I received a letter from one of these
young girls. Here is what she related:
"I thought you might want to know how much it meant to Misty and me when you talked to us after youth conference. It really made us feel good that you cared enough about us when you really needed to leave. And whether you knew it or not, we were touched so much when right before you left, you hugged us and then on top of that you said, 'I love you.' That meant a lot to both of us--thank you so very much." I wondered why this simple act had meant so much to this young teenager. It began to make more sense as I continued reading her letter.
"When I got into the car, my father was angry about something. He didn't want to hear about youth conference or anything that had happened. This really upset me. It hurt me so much that I couldn't stop crying." She went on to describe her dad as a good man, but one who had a bad temper and who was very cold, showing little love and affection. She doubted if he even loved her since he never told her. I began to realize why a simple hug and saying "I love you" had meant so much to her.
I fear for her, and all young girls in similar situations who are not told they are loved. There always seems to be some young man who is willing to come along and tell her he loves her for the wrong reasons. Before we are quick to judge this father however, let's ask if our own children know they are loved. Oh sure--we say they know, but I have a strong feeling that the father of the teenager from Alabama loved her. He probably didn’t even realize that his daughter had any doubts about that love. Because of her doubts, she is at an increased risk of inappropriate behavior.
2. Actually Think They Are Not Loved
Mark and Loser
A few years ago my friend Mark, a family therapist, was in a counseling session with a couple and Mary, their teenaged daughter. The father was very non-affectionate with his children and never expressed love verbally to them. The daughter was quite rebellious and involved in immoral behavior that greatly alarmed her parents. Trying to secure help for "her problem," they brought their daughter in for counseling. During the counseling session, the father had several negative things to say about his daughter and her behavior. Finally, Mark asked the teenager what she felt her father was trying to say to her. The young woman looked directly at Mark but did not respond to his question. He then told her to ask her father a question. He said, "Mary, ask your father if he thinks you are a loser." Mary turned to him and said: "So, do you think I’m a loser, Dad?" There was a long pause before he said, "Mary, what I’m really afraid of is that I’m going to lose you." When he said those words, she began to sob. For the first time in years Mary seemed to realize that her father really did love her even though he still did not express it verbally.
Letter To Richard Clarke
J. Richard Clarke shared a letter from a young man who didn’t think he was loved and the consequences of that doubt. He writes:
"I know not why I write this letter. Perhaps I grasp at last straws before it’s over or whatever. I seek help, without hope of receiving it….Let me say here, I love my parents and do what I am able to help them, but my strength is going, and what flicker of spiritual life there is left in me spends itself on writing this letter.
"At a very young age I became convinced that my father didn’t love me. It stemmed from an encounter when one evening I went to kiss him good night and he brushed me away. I’m sure he doesn’t remember, and it had no significance to him, but I was devastated: my entire sense of security and my world crumbled into ashes as I stood there.
"Not knowing what else to do, I ran from this new stranger in a panic to my mother and whispered tones to her of my calamity, which she denied, but did not convince me. That night I watched my father as I stood in the shadows of my darkened bedroom. I swore to myself that I would close the door until he sought to open it. I would ignore him until he sought after me.
"He didn’t notice. If he did, he never asked me what was wrong. Well, needless to say, through the next years I went through the motions and rebelled to get his attention, which I got in the form of anger. At any rate, I …was soon entrenched in my prison. I didn’t know myself….From age seventeen to about twenty-three I began using drugs….Thank you for your time. Can you help me? Is there reason for me to help myself? Can you convince me? Can you spare the time? I’ve not much left." (Ensign, May 1977, p.85.)

3. Often Leads to Regret
My Grandmother Dies
In 1938 my grandmother was pregnant for the eighth time. She had four living children, but had lost twins and two other children in childbirth. My mother was the oldest at age thirteen. When she went into labor, the country doctor came to their home in rural Alabama to assist with the delivery. Complications set in and the doctor told my grandfather to hurry his wife to the hospital in Mobile. That evening he returned home in tears. He broke the news to his children that the baby had died in childbirth, and so had their mother.
It was a terrible shock for my mother who suffered greatly over the deaths of her siblings. Since her father worked long hours every day, it became necessary for her to drop out of school in eighth grade to take care of her younger siblings. One of my mother’s regrets is that she didn’t tell her mother that she loved her that morning. She learned a lesson that we all learn over time. When we fail to express love to those close to us, the time soon comes that we no longer have the opportunity to do so.
Two of My Best Friends
Two of my best friends growing up were my first cousins, Glen and Chris. We lived down the street from each other and many fun experiences together over the years. I loved being around both of them. One thing I regret, however, is that I never told either how much I cared for them during those years. After all, guys don’t do that kind of thing--it is not manly. When I went away to college, Chris stayed home and was soon drafted into the army during the Viet Nam War era. After his training he received orders for a year in Viet Nam. I never got around to telling him how cool I thought he was before he left. A few months later, Chris was killed by an exploding hand grenade.
Later, I was drafted and served two years in the army. After that, Glen and I went to the same college and enjoyed more fun times together. We remained close over the years and would call and visit each other often, even though we lived in different states. One day, I got a call from Glen’s wife, Susan. She told me that Glen, a pilot, had departed from Denver headed for Salt Lake City in their small plane when he encountered bad weather. His plane crashed into the side of a mountain and was he was killed. Glen left behind five children.
I’m sure you know what my next line is. I never got around to telling him how cool I thought he was. Obviously, I still regret not expressing my feelings to these two cousins. It no longer seems "manly" to be closed up about the love we have for others.
Girl in Oklahoma
A few years ago, I was at a youth conference in Oklahoma. A high school girl spoke during one of the meetings and challenged her peers to express love to their families every day. She then shared a tragic personal story to make her point.
She said it was the day of an important school dance and she and here mother were trying frantically to get everything ready. There was a problem with her dress and the situation became tense. Soon a disagreement arose that turned into an argument. Finally, her mother agreed to purchase something that would resolve the problem. There was tension in the air as she left. No love was expressed between the two as she drove off. That was the last time the young girl saw her mother alive. She was killed in a car accident on her way to the store. This was a sad reminder that we never know when we will no longer have a chance to express love.
Perhaps a statement made by Gilbert Keith Chesterton will help. He said, "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." (The International Dictionary of Thoughts, p. 452.)


Q. What do you see as the consequences of unexpressed love

B. Why The Problem Exists

B. Why The Problem Exists

I wonder why so many parents have trouble expressing love to members of their own family? Obviously, there are many reasons for this behavior. Some are probably complex. However, a few of the following reasons seem to apply:

1. Makes Person Feel Weak
Over the years many have been taught that men and women have very different roles in family life. Men for example, have traditionally been the providers and protectors of the family but show very little love and affection. Expressing love is not the manly thing to do. Men view themselves as weak if they express or show love. Women, on the other hand, are to take on a nurturing and loving role.

Sandy’s Grandfather
A friend shared an excerpt from her grandfather's journal, which clearly emphasizes this point. As a young man, he had a strong desire to leave his native Norway and come to America. He recorded,
"In the fall of 1922, four other boys in the neighborhood and I decided to go to America. It took several months to get our papers ready.
In January 1923, we were ready to leave home. On the morning I was to leave, my mother came upstairs at 4 am to wake me up. As I lay there, she knelt by my bed and put her arm around me with her cheek against my cheek, and told me how she loved me and how she would miss me. She told me to be a good boy. She felt that she would not see me again in this life.
I had been taught never to cry or show emotion, but at that moment I wanted to put my arms around her. Unfortunately, I let them lie still by my side under the covers. I didn't say or do anything, because I was a man. How could I be so soft to put my arms around my mother, or maybe cry and tell her how I loved her? I couldn't do that. It wasn't manly. How I have regretted that moment all these years?
I got up, and she walked me 2 miles in the knee-deep snow to the bus stop. She helped me carry my suitcase. When I got on the bus, I shook hands with my mother and said goodbye. Now for 52 years I have regretted all this.
Thirty-eight years after I came over to this country, I had a chance to go back to Norway for a visit. My mother had died eighteen years before. The first thing I did the first day I was there was to go to the graveyard. I didn't know where the graves were located. I searched up and down the rows till I finally came to the graves of my mother and father. I stood there and looked at them for a minute, and all my past days were going through my mind, especially the last day I saw my mother.
I knelt down and put my arms around the marker. I put my cheek against her name, and those tears that I should have shed 38 years earlier were shed there. I was not such a big man after all..."
How unfortunate that this young man had been taught to "never cry or show emotion." I wonder who taught him that it "wasn't manly to show emotion or say the words I love you?" Obviously, it was not from his mother. I can just imagine this good brother with his arms around the tombstone expressing the words of love he wished he would have said the day of his departure for America.
We can learn a valuable lesson from this story. As parents, and as sons and daughters, we need to continue or learn to show love and affection to family members. This can be a great protection against temptation. Research has shown that youth who have love expressed to them daily by their parents are much less willing to engage in illicit activities than those who never hear those words. And yet far too many parents (especially fathers) either never tell their children they love them or only do so occasionally. Perhaps some may think that their children (especially teenagers) have outgrown the need to be told they are loved. Research from the past proves this is not the case. It may be that some do not want to be told in public – in front of their friends – but they do want and need to be told in the family realm.


2. Because We Weren’t Told

My Father’s Family
In some cases neither mother nor father is affectionate and loving. My father spent his early years in a logging camp in Louisiana in a family with 11 children. His father was an alcoholic and often physically abused his children when he was drinking. He was not affectionate with any of his children and never told them they were loved. My grandmother, unfortunately, was not affectionate either. There were no hugs, kisses or expressions of love from her. Although my grandfather died when I was a small child, I lived close to my grandmother until I was ten years old. Thinking back, I never remember her hugging me or telling me that she loved me. In fact, I never remember her even talking to me.
My father never remembers sitting in his mother’s lap or her telling him he was loved. He said he did remember sitting in his father’s lap one time. While I was growing up, the tradition continued. My father never verbally told me he loved me, although he did many things to demonstrate his love. I didn’t realize until much later in life that I had never told him I loved him either. To do so would have seemed very awkward and uncomfortable since he had never told me. It wasn’t until he was on his death bed that I was able to finally say the words “I love you” to him. Even then it felt strange and unnatural.


3. We Think They Already Know

John Powell Experience
Another common problem is the assumption that family members should know they are loved; therefore there is no need to express it. However, when love is left unexpressed, family members are left to wonder. John Powell wrote of an interesting experience the day his father passed away.
“It was the day my father died… In the small hospital room, I was supporting him in my arms, when… my father slumped back, and I lowered his head gently onto the pillow. I… told my mother… ‘It’s all over, Mom. Dad is dead.’ She startled me. I will never know why these were her first words to me after his death. My mother said: ‘Oh, he was so proud of you. He loved you so much.’
Somehow I knew… that these words were saying something very important to me. They were like a sudden shaft of light, like a startling thought I had never before absorbed. Yet there was a definite edge of pain, as though I were going to know my father better in death than I had ever known him in life.
Later, while a doctor was verifying death, I was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room, crying softly. A nurse came over to me and put a comforting arm around me. I couldn’t talk through my tears. I wanted to tell her:
‘I’m not crying because my father is dead. I’m crying because my father never told me that he was proud of me. He never told me that he loved me. Of course, I was expected to know these things. I was expected to know the great part I played in his life and the great part I occupied of his heart, but he never told me.’ ” (The Secret of Staying in Love, Niles, Ill.: Argus, 1974, p. 68.)

Joe Christensen’s Father-in-Law
Joe J. Christensen shared this all too common problem: “Once when my father-in-law was leaving the house after lunch to return to the field to work, my mother-in-law said, “Albert, you get right back in here and tell me you love me.” He grinned and jokingly said, “Elsie, when we were married, I told you I loved you, and if that ever changes, I’ll let you know.” It’s hard to overuse the expression, “I love you.” Use it daily.” (Ensign, May 1995, 65.)


4. They Should Realize By Our Actions
Some believe that love is expressed in ways other than saying the words. While visiting in New York, I heard a lady talking to some friends about raising children. She said, “When I yell at my kids, I do it because I love them.” I could tell that she was sincere and not trying to be funny. She went on to say, “I tell them when they complain about my yelling that when I stop yelling, you will know that I don’t care. As long as I’m yelling at you, then you will know I love you.” I’m not sure that most family members are going to correlate yelling with love.
Other parents believe that since they do so much for their children and buy them so much that there is no need to say “I love you.” After all, they provide food, shelter, clothes and put gas in the car. I doubt seriously that a typical teenager gets into the family car and thinks, “My dad must really love me since there is gas in the car.”

Expressing Love Verbally

Expressing Love Verbally
A. The Problem
One of the desperate needs of family members is to hear verbally that they are loved. Although many do not have a problem with this, others struggle greatly to regularly say the words "I love you." When family members do not feel loved, they often go searching for that love. Unfortunately, it is often ‘looking for love in all the wrong places,’ as the song says. More often than not, this communication problem has been passed down from previous generations. It also seems that fathers have a much harder time expressing love to family members than mothers do. .
Many years ago Paul Popenoe conducted a study with teenagers. He said, "Several thousand HS students were asked what they would most like to hear from their parents. The survey found that 50 percent of the students said they wanted most to know if their parents loved them." ("Do Your Children Know You Love Them?" Parents and Better Homemaking, 40, December 1965, 43-45)
Perhaps you think things have changed since the sixties, when this study was conducted. In more recent research, it appears that the problem still lingers. High school students from various areas of the United States were asked:
Q. How often do your parents tell you that they love you?

Never 27% 9%
Once or so a month 25% 14%
Several times a month 19% 21%
Daily 29% 56%
(American Youth Survey, 2001)
It appears that parents still have a problem telling their children they are loved on a daily basis. Men in this study are three times less likely to ‘never’ tell children they love them than are mothers. Fathers are almost half as likely as mothers to tell children daily that they love them. This tendency in parents is heartbreaking when you consider the consequences of such neglect. Often the simply expressed "I love you" works miracles. H. Burke Peterson said, "Among the tragedies we see around us every day are the countless children and adults who are literally starving because they are not being fed a daily portion of love. We have in our midst thousands who would give anything to hear the words and feel the warmth of this expression." (Ensign, May 1977, p. 68.)
Billy Wayne Ezell
On Sunday June 2000 I was asked to speak at a huge family reunion to honor our great-grandfather, who had died 100 years earlier. I was at a loss to know what I should say to this crowd of descendants and friends who would gather for the celebration. To get my thoughts together, I drove to the country cemetery where I sat in peaceful surroundings gazing at the old tombstones of my great grandparents. I stared at the names of their fifteen children and remembered how eight of them had died before adulthood. I imagined the pain they must have felt. I sat on a bench and pondered again what to say at the meeting. As I looked up, my eyes were drawn to a laminated poem near the tombstone of Billy Wayne Ezell (born on December 7, 1972 and died February 26, 1994). His mother wrote the poem and I could feel her sorrow as I read these words:


If I’d only known it would be the last time,
That I’d see you walk out the door,
I’d have given you a bigger hug and kiss
And called you back for one more
If I’d only known it would be the last time,
I’d hear your laughter and playful way,
I’d taped each action and word,
So I could play them back every day
If I’d only known it would be the last time
We would have an extra minute or two,
I’d been sure to have said once again,
"Son, please know how much I love you!"
If I’d only known it would be the last time,
I’d be there to share your day
Believing there would always be more,
I wouldn’t have let it just slip away.
If I’d only known it would be the last time
That I’d see you fall asleep
I’d prayed "take me Lord, but please,
Give my son his life to keep.
If only I had known.
The purpose of the poem was to point out how things would be different had the mother only known her son was going to die. The point, however, is that she didn’t know. And neither do any of the rest of us know when the last opportunity might be to express love to family members.
Only In Certain Situations
Some children are told they are loved but only on special occasions (birthdays, leaving for trips or extended periods of time, college, or when they’ve made their parents proud). One mother expressed it this way, "One thing that did not occur in our home was our parents saying the words ‘I love you’ to any of the children. I don’t remember ever saying it myself until my first phone call home during my freshman year of college. It was my first experience away from home and I was homesick. I told them "I love you’ over the phone for the first time. After my marriage, my sister was shocked to hear me tell my mom that I loved her. She said that she wasn’t used to hearing anyone saying that in our family."
Others are told they are loved only when they are in trouble. For example, my friend Ken told me about a question his son asked him. He stated, "Dad, how come you only tell me you love me when you’re mad at me?" Perhaps you hear or even use the line, "The only reason I am punishing you is because I love you." Children need to be told they are loved at all times. In order to help our children be better we often point out many of their faults. One university research report estimated that an average teenager hears ten negative comments about themselves for every one positive. Whether this is true or not there seems to be a problem in our society with parents expressing frustration with children rather than love. Of course, there is great danger in this.


Q. What problems do you see in families who do not express love?
Email us your answers at fromourfamilytoyours@yahoo.com